The Birds and the Bees, Kenpachi style
by MatsuMama
Summary: Yachiru wants to know what grown-ups do when they're in love. Hilarity ensues! Oneshot.


_Hehehehehe..._

_I was shooting the breeze with the incomparable hu3long2...and the result is below._

_It's ALL HER FAULT, dammit!! You all KNOW I don't write comedy. Clearly, I have lost my mind._

_Crack. Just crack. AND an A/N!! Whatever is wrong with me...?? _

_Enjoy! XD_

* * *

For a Kenpachi, fear was simply not part of the package. Violence and bloodshed, surely. A certain brutality, and mercilessness, no question. A total and utter lack of regard for human life...well, that went without saying.

Zaraki, however, prided himself on going above and beyond the call of duty. He liked to think that he brought a certain humor to the position, a style all his own. A sense of irony, as it were. I mean, it took a certain kind of panache to pull off spikes with bells on the end of them, and the whole giving-your-opponent-an-advantage-just-to-make-the-battle-more-fun thing was really just an excuse. Zaraki was the very embodiment of the ultimate killing machine, and if you even wanted to dream of doubting it, just look at how quickly he had killed the last Eleventh Division Captain. It had been borderline depressing how easily that maniac had gone down.

So, Zaraki was clearly the very epitome of a Kenpachi and, by extension, not a coward in the least. Nope, not at all. Not a fearful bone in his spirit body.

And yet...it was possible that some moments went beyond bounds of even abnormal bloodlust. And at this particular moment, if it must be admitted, there were fewer things Zaraki Kenpachi wanted to do more than disappear into the floorboards. That, or kill his direct subordinates. The latter was rapidly becoming preferable, if at the very least it would alleviate the embarrassment of the first.

But he was NOT a coward, dammit. So he was just going to sit here and take this conversation like a man.

"People in love do _what_!?" Huge, brown eyes blinked innocently at Yumichika as the Eleventh Division vice captain stared, her little pink lips rounded in a moue of confusion.

Yumichika cleared his throat and carefully tucked a single, errant strand of ebony hair behind a perfect earlobe. "Well, they like to go to bed together."

"You mean, they have a sleepover!?" Yachiru giggled. "So what? Kenchan and I do that all the time!"

Yumichika utilized all of his spirit power and some of Ruriro Kujaku's besides to keep his face carefully composed. Ikkaku, who had all the grace and social presence of an inbred goat, choked loudly in the corner. Yumichika didn't bother with him; he was intensely aware of the brooding captain watching cycloptically from the other side of the room. "Erm, well _this_ is a little different. You see, boys and girls have different...parts. And well, when people really love each other, those parts kind of...fit together..."

"Parts?" Yachiru pouted adorably, her little eyebrows drawn together in utmost confusion. "What do you mean, _parts_?"

Yumichika found himself at a momentary loss for words. Unfortunately, Ikkaku decided that was his cue to jump in and help. "Like, how guys can pee standing up, and girl's can't."

Yachiru, who hated to be told she couldn't do something, instantly took offense. "We can too! Here, watch...!" She began to tug determinidly at her obi, face screwed in concentration.

It only took a moment for Yumichika to curtail what could only be an impending disaster. "Uh no, that's really not necessary! Erm, uhm..." He flailed about for an appropriate distraction. "Yachiru-fukutaicho, you know the Tenth division captain and his vice?"

"Whitey-chan and Booby-kun?" Yachiru squealed with delight.

"Yes," Yumichika replied, grabbing the lifeline while he could. "Well, what's the difference between them?" Once again, Yachiru's face twisted in concentration. Yumichika decided to offer an olive branch. "What does Matsumoto-san have that Hitsugaya-taicho does not?"

A studious pause. "Alcohol tolerance?"

Ikkaku did another round of wrestling with his own oxygen intake, but all Yumichika could concentrate on was the irritated shift of reiatsu from Kenpachi-taicho. "Uhm, no...I was thinking more along the lines of...uhm..."

"Tits?" Ikkaku grinned wolfishly from the corner. At Yumichika's predicatably pretty splutter, Madarame guffawed. "Ah, come on Yumi, enough already. You sound like a freakin' school marm. Gimme a shot."

"Ugh, how ugly," Yumichika grumbled, but sensing no resistance from his taicho and eagerly seizing the chance to get out of the responsibility for this gawdsawful assignment, he relented with all grace. "Fine, let's see you try," he sneered.

Ikkaku bounded over to the pixie, propped up on the vice-captain's desk and swinging her feet in an carefree manner. "Oiy, so, yah know how much fun it is to spar, right?" Yachiru eagerly grinned; emboldened, Ikkaku surged on. "And you know how it feels good when you stick a sword in someone?"

Yumichika promptly fainted to the ground while Yachiru nodded enthusiastically; finally, these bozos were speaking a language she could understand! "Yaaaay, Baldy-chan!" she crowed, fingering her zanpaktou and wondering if that was an invitation to spar.

Ikkaku seemed to sense the pandora's box he was in danger of opening and neatly side-stepped. "Well, boys got swords and girls got...sheaths?" The bald pate turned slightly red, by Madarame soldiered on. "And when the one goes into the other, then its pretty damn pleasurable..."

"Ikkaku, your lack of couth knows no bounds," muttered an exasperated Fifth seat from his pretty sprawl on the ground. Wide awake (because while fainting is dainty, unconsciousness is way too unglamorous), Ayasegawa glared. "And your metaphor is crumbling anyway; it does not account for the woman's pleasure, seeing as being stabbed is hardly comparable to being _entered_..."

"And you would know all about that, wouldn't you fruit-cake!?" Ikkaku instantly roared.

Yumichika glared back, his feathers bristling. "No less than you, foul pig...!!"

Watching while his Third and Fifth seat engaged in an infuriated tousle, Zaraki resisted the urge to rub black eyebrows, because _dammit_, Kenpachi's do NOT pinch their foreheads in exasperation. Not caring in the least whether his seats killed each other but rather vehemently wanting this whole debacle over with, he drew breath to take over the disastrous conversation.

Once again, the blithe 5-year-old swooped in to save him. "Wait! I know what you guys are talking about!" Ikkaku and Yumichika froze in a tangled heap, staring at her blankly. "You mean fucking, right?!"

All the air in the room seemed to vanish simultaneously. It was a race to see which Seat would turn the whitest; Yumichika won, but just barely and only because he had his hands wrapped around Ikkaku's throat. "Ho-..how the hell do you know that word!?"

Exasperated, Kusajika rolled her huge doe eyes. "_Duuuh_. I was born in a whore house, sillies. I know all about that stuff."

Ikkaku finally wrenched himself free, too shocked to noticed that he was sprawled across Yumichika in a decidedly compromising position. "You-..you know about _sex_??"

"_Sure_." She exhaled in a disgusted manner. "Seen it plenty of times. Kinda messy, if you ask me. If body fluids are gonna be flying, blood is WAY prettier!"

Before Ikkaku and Yumichika could wonder what universe they had suddenly been dropped into, an odd sound echoed around the room. It was not a sound that had _never_ been heard, just one rarely uttered off the battlefield or in any situation that did not involve a gruesome death.

Zaraki Kenpachi roared with laughter, his raucous belly-chuckle shaking the walls. The phenomenon continued for several minutes, as Yachiru clapped with delight at Ken-chan's happiness. Finally the audial earthquake subsided, Kenpachi grabbing his side and wiping tears from his one eye.

"Ahhhh, classic," he rumbled, a few final chortles making a symphony of his hair adornments. "That'll teach you pansies to pussy-foot around my lieutenant - she's more man than both 'a yuz!!"

Suddenly bored, Yachiru slumped and let her head loll in Kenpachi's direction. "Ken-chan, can we please go now?? This is stupid, and I wanna see if Uptightey-chan has any candy today!!"

"Yeah, sure." It had been a while since he picked a fight with that Kuchiki prick anyway. Still chuckling, Kenpachi stood to his feet as the familiar lightness of his vice dropped onto his shoulder. "You're right, this _is_ stupid. Dunno what I was thinking, gettin' these dip-shits to talk ta ya..."

Flashing towards the Sixth squad, Yachiru perched at her usual spot, Kenpachi reminded himself in a very distant, tiny and teddy-bearish part of his brain that with his little pink pixie on his shoulder, there was never anything to fear.

* * *

_AUGH!! ANOTHER A/N?! I MUST be on drugs. Anyway, mad thanks to Totnes for baking Yachiru and Kenpachi cookies, which started this whole plot bunny in the first place. You can see the pic on her LJ account if you check out her profile. Cuters! XD_


End file.
